Breakfast radio DJs told to stop being so fucking happy

Critics have complained that sounding so happy about life so early in the morning is unnatural, and should be banned

Jan 05, 2026

Breakfast radio DJs across the country have been instructed to stop sounding so fucking happy.

Critics have complained that sounding so happy about life so early in the morning is unnatural, and should be banned.

Frank Grumblebags of the National Council of Radio Stations said:

“We’ve been having happy DJs first thing in the morning for far too long. Back in the day, I used to turn my radio on and listen to pure silence because there were no fuckers on the airwaves. Then some arsehole comes along and thinks it’s funny to be happy first thing in the morning.

“The annoying thing about radio is that you can’t punch the offender in the face. All you can do is turn that shit off. We are calling for a blanket ban across the country to stop these people infecting our mornings with happiness and laughter. It’s just not right.”

Brett Smiley, breakfast DJ for Shit FM said:

“I’m so happy in the mornings. I just want to make everyone else happy. After 10am when I get home though, I am a miserable fucker.”

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Meet the coffee shop team: Pablo

I’ve been pulling shots since before oat milk decided it was a personality, and I’ll tell you this for free: coffee was better when people ordered it quietly, sat down, and kept the fuck shut up.

Now every customer has a dissertation prepared when they get to me.

“Single-origin, ethically sourced, medium roast, but not too medium, with steamed oat milk, but make it hot-hot, not coffee hot.”

Mate, it’s 8:07am.

You don’t need that shit; you just need caffeine and a lie that today will be different.

And don’t get me started on phones. People filming their latte like it’s about to give a TED Talk. You know what coffee does best? Gets drunk. That’s it. It’s not content. It’s fuel. And it keeps the crime rate down.

Then there’s the regular who always says, “Surprise me.”

No. I will not. I am not a wizard. You’ll receive a flat white like everyone other fucker and you will pretend it’s exactly what you wanted.

Back in the day, we used to chat about the weather. Now it’s all crypto, cold plunges, or why caffeine is a “problematic dependency.” Says the man shaking like a shitting dog.

Still, I’ll make your coffee. I always do.

Perfect crema. Proper temperature.

No love hearts in the foam though. You’re not ready for that level of commitment.

Drink it. Wake up. Be slightly less annoying.

See you tomorrow.

Pablo